Do You Watch Porn?

This is such an intense question. It seems like a simple one but it's not. It's massive. I will honestly answer it, though.

"Do you watch porn?"

Yes. Yes I do. Sometimes I find myself in need of inspiration. I find myself with writers block or too much stress to push forward in a writing. I turn on lesbian porn and watch the emotional videos. I find myself actually rewinding just the emotional facial expressions. The emotion.

Having PTSD has caused me to emotionally detach from the world. I can hear a horrible story that would cause most people to tear up and I don't respond to it. I find myself getting angry when people shed tears to some of the most natural tear jerkers. I guess I get angry because I just don't feel that feeling anymore. Porn, to me, allows me to reconnect. The fake porn with fake lesbians and their fake emotions completely piss me off though. It's all about the kissing scenes and the way they react and respond to each other. If a woman is not interested, she can't fake her interest. I can't fake my emotions any better. If I don't have any, I just stare and wonder why everyone else has them.

I don't sit at a computer and masturbate to porn. I'm sure that was the initial reason for this question. I don't do it for perverted reasons. I do it for assistance in coping. I do it to push forward in my writing. Plus, the emotions I start feeling temporarily are released in my work, even the sexual emotions. I let it all go in my writing. I pour my true self into my work. The true self that is caught in PTSD and I feel like I can't find most of the time. That's who you guys get when I write. Which is why I find myself lost in my work when I read it myself later on. I feel emotionally connected to myself through my own words. It's fascinating.