Emotions

Hey Steamers,

    I feel like I don't really talk about this topic very much and maybe I should. Living with PTSD, it's hard. It's why no relationship ever worked out before my husband. He said he wanted to end it in the very beginning because it was like I had no soul. No matter how many buttons he pushed, I couldn't respond. When he felt pain, I would just stand there, unable to help him through it. When I thought we were doing great... gosh I still remember the very moment... he was telling me it was over. Seconds before it came out of his mouth, I was curled up against his arm absolutely oblivious. I had just gotten home from a stressful day at work. I think that was the same day I got in a bad fight and a guy who absolutely loathed me took a punch for me. Being a woman, especially one that reaks of this much intimidation... most guys want to see how well I handle a punch. I was ready to take it, too. I remember sitting on the couch, unable to explain what I felt inside, unable to connect. I wanted to tell him what was going on and what I had just experienced. The confusion that was sitting on my chest and making me feel bad for letting the guy take the punch. And here, my boyfriend of a little over a year was full of emotions and felt there was nothing left for us. That he was alone and I was just a fucking robot. I was trained to be a robot. And, like I've said to a few fans in interviews... they teach you how to be a robot but they don't unteach you.

Anyway, the other day, my husband (who's overseas in the military right now, so it's already hard being there for each other) and I were talking. He was being an emotional rollercoaster and I honestly didn't know how to help. Back when he wanted to end things, I would have made a dumb joke or tried to relate in a way that made him feel a lot worse about everything. But, now, the woman he's teaching me how to be... I'm learning how to feel the emotions but I don't know what to do once I feel them. I just get overwhelmed and feel like I'm falling apart. That's when he brought up how much more he likes that I do have a soul and I can fall apart. I guess it's nice to know there isn't a bunch of metal pieces clinging together taking up space where my heart should be.

What's the point I'm trying to make, you ask?

Well, I signed with a new publisher and I'm trying to pull myself out of my comfort zone. I mean, the original reason I started writing was to cope with my PTSD. And, it feels like I just got lost in giving people what they wanted from me and forgot the whole point of why I'm even doing all of this.

And now... I am writing my first official novel. It's a lot of emotions practically pouring out of my characters, pouring out of me. A year ago, or five, ten, I never would have been able to do this. I didn't believe in myself enough to make it this far into recovery. Hell, I didn't believe in myself when I was in school. I didn't care about college. I didn't have dreams, goals, ambition. I just wanted to know I would make it to see tomorrow. Nothing else mattered. But... now... it matters. Believing in me matters. Writing as a career, to share what I can truly do... it matters.

Lately, I found my way of digging into emotions I never thought I had. Feelings I didn't know existed. Pain I never acknowledged in myself, let alone others. Things I used to shrug off... I can't do that anymore. I don't want to. I want to feel. And the one thing pulling all of this out of me is music. Specifically female lead singer bands for alternative rock, rock, hard rock, etc.

Last week one specifically really gripped my heart from deep within and all I could do was loop and listen to her powerful and full of emotional voice. Lzzy Hale. She's taking the cake... bringing me to a totally different place and gosh it has me completely overwhelmed. And, as I'm feeling everything she's pushing out of me, I'm writing. I'm pouring it all out. I'm exploding into my writing... both typing it out and hand writing it. There's also Amy Lee, Maria Brink, Taylor Momsen, etc. A few I literally knew nothing about, like Maria and Taylor. But plenty of others I can't think of at the moment.

It feels so good to... feel. Maybe one day, PTSD will be something I had.


Thanks for reading this, guys and gals.

Until Next Time,

K.R. Steam

Career Moves

Hey Steamers,

    Gosh, have I missed you all. Since transitioning, a lot of the fans are stepping back and waiting to see what I do next. I have so many goals it almost seems unrealistic. :-p So, redoing some of my favorite stories like Not a Time to Quit, Tiffany, and Seduced by Winter. I have a lot of stories I've been working on, as well as writing genres my followers are not used to. I finished a novel not too long ago which is more an intense romantic thriller that I would love to get turned into a movie. I also am currently finishing up Season One of On My Radar, the first ten books. AND, I am working on a book I am writing to be pitched to Hallmark but it might end up being too raw and emotional for them to accept. If they decline my offer, I'll be pushing for a movie deal elsewhere. Really excited on the starting point of the story. I have the full outline and it is going to be absolutely beautiful while starting out in total sadness. It's going to be a really romantic tear jerker. I also have about 7 other books I have outlined and planned to work on soon. I wish each day came with twelve more hours so I could get more accomplished!

Also, I'll be doing live interviews and be part of release parties and all of that fun stuff in the future. I hope to see you guys there!

Yours Truly,

Steamy